I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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