he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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