They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
"it" just moved
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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