Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
