My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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