i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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