Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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