I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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