one two three fourrrrnication!
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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