So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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