I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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