3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
