i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize