I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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