My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I see more hoeing in ur future
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
