new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
