I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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