just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm at about main and main street
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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