we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
