can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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