If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
i now understand why vodka
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
