I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
