it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
