if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
