I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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