my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
