nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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