just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The air was thick with penises
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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