Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
