She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
