My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
