Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
