apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize