I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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