If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
