That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
