I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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