and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize