The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
