atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
