My liver just broke up with me...
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
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