i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
