I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize