i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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