Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
