community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize