please come you make the beer taste better
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
