i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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