i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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