I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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