you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
