Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
