Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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