and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
