i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
