hotel room ftw
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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