I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
