a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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