There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
