i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
