Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
