I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
