My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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