Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
