i need an iv and a liver transplant
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
