I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
