Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We have started to decorate penises.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
