dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
