My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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