i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
