The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
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