I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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