I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
